The atmosphere at Elland Road is legendary, so much so that Sir Alex Ferguson once described the stadium as the most intimidating venue in Europe. There is nothing like it when the Elland Road faithful are in full voice. It is loud, boisterous, and hostile. However, things could be set to change at LS11 0ES, and not for the good.

Plans are afoot to increase the stadium’s capacity from almost 38,000 to 55,000. Additionally, the 49ers overlords are looking to build a £25 million training facility next door to the site of the now-defunct Matthew Murray school. The fact those in charge were unwilling to spend more than £7 million on former Norwich City winger Jonathan Rowe (he went to Marseille for £13.6 million) but are now talking about spending tens of millions redeveloping Elland Road has raised more than a few eyebrows. Where is the money coming from?

Creating a More Family-Friendly Atmosphere at Elland Road

The Yorkshire Tribune has learned of Leeds United’s senior management team’s jaw-dropping plans, which include installing swear boxes at Elland Road. According to our sources, match-going fans will have to pay £1 each time they cuss or swear before, during, and after a fixture. Although cash is preferred, contactless payments will also be available.

“The ferocity of our home support has dwindled in recent times, partly due to day-trippers and the soul-destroying “Farke Ball,” a club spokesperson said. “However, some of the language we hear from our perch in the deathly-silent John Charles Stand on matchdays is disgusting.”

“We have American owners and investors who are not used to hearing and seeing such support, so we plan to sanitise the home crowd further and create a more family-friendly atmosphere inside Elland Road.”

Raising Much-Needed Revenue

The Elland Road swear boxes are a novel idea that the club hopes will raise much-needed revenue for the planned redevelopments and the building of a new training ground. An average of £12.74 in coins is found behind the opposition’s goal each home game, and that money is now being collected and added to the pot.

“Our studies show that the average Leeds United supporter swears seven times from the moment they take their seats to leaving the stadium to drown their sorrows. An average home gate of 36,495 equates to £255,465 generated on any given matchday. Our calculations show that by the time we get out of the Championship in 2037, our innovative swear boxes will have paid for the stadium redevelopments AND the new training facilities.”

It is all well and good charging fans for their harsh language and criticism of the team, but collecting the owed monies presents a different challenge entirely. Again, the boffins behind the scenes are working on a newfangled plan to ensure fans pay up and do so promptly.

“The club is currently in talks with the Football Association about an on-the-pitch collection scheme. We plan to instruct Pascal Struijk and Joe Rodon to pass back and forth to one another more than usual if a foul-mouthed supporter has not put £1 in their allocated swear box or tapped their debit card.”

Including the 1-0 defeat on the road to Norwich City, Rodon has attempted 78.37 passes per 90 minutes, with only 4.77 considered progressive. Struijk averages 87.44 passes, of which 6.45 are progressive. A source close to the club informed the Yorkshire Tribune that the 49ers has instructed Daniel Farke to increase the number of attempted passes between Rodon and Struijk by 1.5 times, while halving the number of progressive passes.

Going to Elland Road? Try These Alternative Chants

Those attending Leeds United games experience a wide range of emotions throughout the 90 minutes. The occasional flash of brilliance breaks long periods of tedium or, more often than not, another ridiculous decision from a man who has won a competition to be a referee for the day. Keeping a cool head in the heat of a battle is challenging, which is why the Yorkshire Tribune has come up with some alternative chants and phrases to try the next time you venture to Elland Road.

• Who’s the b***ard in the black? – Who is that non-playing gentleman with the whistle?
• You’re just a soft southern b***ard! – Get on with the game, young chap
• You cheating c**t, ref. That was never a foul! – I believe you got that decision wrong, Mr. Referee
• Get into ’em, f**k ’em up! – Defence. Defence. Defence
• Oooooohhhh you s**t b***ard, aarrgghh! – Ooooooohhh, that wasn’t a good goal kick. Better luck next time
• Pass the ball forward you c**ts – Pass the ball forward, you cunts*

* It’s worth a quid to stop the Rodon/Struijk love affair