A Carling drinker from the notorious Firth Park area of Sheffield made a grim discovery this week when he learned that he has been drinking pints of urine for at least the last month without noticing.
Lee Bruce is a permanent fixture in the pubs around Fifth Park. The larger-than-life Bruce has been between jobs for approximately 19 years, so he spends his copious amounts of free time drinking himself into oblivion. Carling is the drink of choice for this staunch Brexiteer because only 100% British barley is used in the brewing process. Bruce is blissfully unaware that Carling is Canadian, although the founder was from Yorkshire, so we will give Bruce that.
“I love Carling, me. I don’t drink none of that foreign muck. Immigrants have already swamped our country and taken all the jobs without them meddling with our beer.”
Bruce was not the only one oblivious to the origins of his “British” beverage. For the past three weeks, possibly a month, he has been drinking the pub’s patron’s urine due to a mix-up with the plumbing following renovation works.
The public house, which cannot be named for legal reasons, recently underwent renovations. The toilets were ripped out and replaced, and the pub’s cellar and beer store was refreshed. It appears that the builders and plumbers somehow mixed up the pipes, connecting the men’s urinals to the Carling pump and vice versa.
Yorkshire Water Detects High Volumes of Carling at Treatment Plant
The health-threatening mistake went unnoticed for several weeks. However, Yorkshire Water noticed high levels of Carling were arriving at one of its water treatment plants. Yorkshire Water launched an investigation to find the root cause of the water supply’s pollutants.
“Our systems alerted us to an unusually high level of an unknown contaminant coming into the treatment plant,” a Yorkshire Water technician explained to The Yorkshire Tribune. “We get all sorts passing through here, as you might imagine. Sanitary products, turds, dead animals, and the occasional Manchester United shirt, but something was causing our detection software to go crazy.”
The technician told The Yorkshire Tribune that the company traced the source back to an area of Firth Park, one of the roughest parts of the Steel City. Further investigations narrowed the search to one of two possible locations: an abattoir or the pub where Mr Bruce drinks.
While tests at the slaughterhouse returned negative, they returned positive for Carling at the nearby drinking hole.
Binge Drinker Left Disgusted and Shocked
Public health officials visited the pub to inform Bruce, the establishment’s only Carling drinker, of the gruesome news. Shocked and disgusted are the words he used to describe how he felt upon learning about his urine-drinking session.
“I’m shocked because it’s been a lovely pint for a few weeks now. I put it down to the landlord cleaning his lines for once; I’ve been having ten instead of eight pints every night. It’s disgusting because the last time I drank a pint of someone’s piss was for a dare, and I got a kebab for my troubles.”
The mistake has been rectified, and Bruce does not plan to take legal action. As an apology, he accepted a bottle of Bells and a bag of Scampi Fries.
CAMRA Makes Moves to Distance Itself From UK’s No. 1 Lager Brand
The Sheffield & District branch of the Campaign For Real Ale (CAMRA) is leading a campaign for Yorkshire to distance itself from Carling. Thomas Carling first brewed the beer in 1818 in London, Ontario, Canada; it didn’t become available in the United Kingdom until 1952. However, Thomas Carling was a farmer from Yorkshire before he headed to Canada in the 1800s. CAMRA does not want the lager to tarnish Yorkshire’s good name.
“Everyone knows Carling is piss-water, literally in this case. CAMRA only wants folk to drink premium, quality beers; this swill is anything but that. We will take our case as high as possible to see that Thomas Carling is stripped of his Yorkshire heritage and considered a Canadian.”
