Just when Manchester United supporters didn’t think things could get any worse, the club goes and announces a preseason tour of North Korea. Controversy and negative press have plagued the 20-time English champions since Sir Alex Ferguson retired in 2015. Still, a trip to Pyongyang represents a new all-time low for the boys from Old Trafford.
Ever since Sir Alex stepped away from Manchester United, the club has festered away. Current and former players accused and convicted of domestic abuse, rape, sucking toes, and telling children that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
Manchester United fans celebrated in the street when British billionaire Sir Jim Ratcliffe, who resides in Monaco to save money on his tax bill despite being worth £30 billion, completed a 27.7% purchase of the club. Sir Jim’s stake enabled him to take control of football operations from the much-maligned Glazer family. However, Sir Jim has done nothing positive during his short time with the club. Sir Jim’s input so far includes:
- Awarding Erik Ten Hag a new one-year deal before sacking him at a cost of £16.1 million
- Spending £10 million acquiring Ruben Amorin as head coach, a man who won the title in a farmer’s league but once had a piss while standing next to Cristiano Ronaldo.
- Sanctioned £180 million worth of transfers of players who Southampton would probably turn their nose up at
- Increased ticket prices for children and pensioners
- Sacked Sir Alex as an ambassador
- Slashed the salaries of Manchester United legends acting as ambassadors, including Andy Cole, Bryan Robson, and Denis Irwin
- Cancelled Christmas parties for United staff and reduced bonuses by 60%
- Banning ginger people from Old Trafford
- Removing toilet paper from the stadium’s restrooms
How Manchester United Has Fallen
United won 38 trophies during Sir Alex’s 27-year reign, including 13 Premier League titles. The club has only won seven since “Fergie” left his post and retired from football in May 2013, with Jose Mourniho responsible for three of those.
Under Ferguson, United won 895 and lost only 267 of 1,500 games. Since then, ten men have taken over at the helm permanently or on a caretaker basis. They have managed 647 games, winning 349 and losing 157.
Old Trafford is no longer a fortress or somewhere the world’s best players dream of playing; The Theatre of Dreams is now a stage for nightmares.
At the time of writing, Manchester United is languishing 13th in the Premier League table, only ten points above the dreaded drop-zone, 14 points off the pace for a UEFA Champions League place, and 24 points behind league leaders and arch-rivals Liverpool.
United Set to Face the North Korean National Team
It is believed Manchester United has planned its North Korean preseason tour so they can actually win a game or two. Matches against reigning DPR Korea Football League champions April 25 Sports Club, Ryomyong Sports Club, and Amnokgang Sports Club are confirmed. A game against the Korea DPR National Team ranked 115th in the FIFA World Rankings, is considered United’s best chance of winning.
United’s overpaid, underperforming Prima donnas are in for a culture shock. Korean government officials have told The Yorkshire Tribune that the United players must choose from one of ten legal haircuts, hand over their iPhones and other electronic devices at the border, and face nightly power cuts due to the backward country’s ongoing energy crisis.
Ruben Amorin More Suited to Korean Opposition According to Press Release
Manchester United issued a press release explaining the reasoning behind the club’s controversial tour of the country under Kim Jong Un‘s totalitarian rule.
“Everyone in football knows Manchester United puts making money above everything else. We have a vast supporter base in Asia, so we have decided to expand its reach to North Korea. The opposition the team will face is more the standard that our £10 million head coach Ruben Amorim is used to competing against. Hopefully, he can pick up some wins and improve one of the worst win percentages in Manchester United’s history.”
