A Hollywood-inspired Purge Night is an idea gaining traction in the House of Commons as the Labour government struggles to control the prison overcrowding crisis. The Yorkshire Tribune has learned that Justice Secretary Shabana Mahmood is open to the United Kingdom following in the footsteps of James DeMonaco’s 2013 movie, The Purge.
The first set of early releases happened in September when 1,700 prisoners left prison despite not serving their full sentences. In the coming weeks, another 1,100 residents of His Majesty will be released and free to terrorize the law-abiding public.
According to government officials, offenders serving more than five years are being released on licence after serving 40% of their sentences. Those convicted of serious violence, sex crimes, and terrorism will continue enjoying their three meals per day, access to state-of-the-art gymnasiums, and be able to spend most of their time playing on PlayStations and shagging correctional officers.
Purge Nights Would Negate the Need for More Prison Cells
The prison population has grown by approximately 4,500 yearly, faster than the Conservative government built new cells. The Tories promised, among other things, to build 14,000 spaces; they failed to deliver.
Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer told The Yorkshire Tribune, “My father was a toolmaker and would have loved to have grafted away and helped to build more prisons and cells that the Tories promised the British public. We must look at other ways to reduce overcrowding because we cannot build our way out of this problem.”
The Purge, a 2013 movie that James DeMonaco created, depicts a crime-free America in the near future. The country is a dystopia which observes an annual event known as “the Purge,” where all crimes, including murder, are legal for 12 hours. Although The Purge and the subsequent four films in the franchise were a commercial success, they’re a right load of old shit, if we’re being honest.
“My father was a toolmaker and would talk to anyone. Everyone in my town knew everyone else, and we could leave our front doors unlocked without fear of being burgled,” said Sir Stramer. “Today, people don’t even know their next-door neighbours’ names. The only neighbours people know today are those they grassed up for leaving their homes during the COVID-19 pandemic.”
Killing Several Birds With One Stone
The government is said to be keen on a Purge-like night because it solves several problems simultaneously. First, allowing people to murder one another in the street will reduce the ridiculous NHS waiting times. Second, people are likely to target the defenceless elderly, who will likely be half-frozen to death anyway, saving the government even more money on unpaid pensions. Third, criminals are likely to murder one another, reducing the need for more prison cells.
Lastly, even those counting every last penny can participate in the expected mass looting and get their hands on some sought-after electronics and Greggs.
“Imagine a world where instead of throwing your dog’s shit over the fence of a neighbour you’ve fallen out with, you get to hack them down with an axe. Or you have the opportunity to turn your boss into a quadriplegic for putting you on a zero-hours contract. It would be amazing.” said a Labour MP who wishes to remain anonymous.
The UK Purge Would Be A Two-Tier Scheme
Like much of the nonsense that comes from the Labour government’s mouths, any Purge Night in the United Kingdom would be two-tiered: one set of rules for the everyday person and another for the so-called elite.
The Yorkshire Tribune has obtained documents showing a draft of some Purge-related rules.
- Anyone with a combined household income of £250,000 or more can purge but is immune to being purged.
- Purgers who loot businesses will pay tax on any items they help themselves to, known as Scrote Tax
- Special rewards for taking out any elderly person still eligible for Winter Fuel Payments
- If someone is fit enough to purge, they are fit enough to work
- People on benefits are not allowed to barricade their homes if they are local authority properties
No date has been suggested for the UK version of The Purge, but it would make sense for it to occur during the autumn or winter months when the nights are longer. The Yorkshire Tribune will bring you any developments as soon as it learns them.
