Save some of your benefits and get peddling your shoplifted goods because there’s a massive night on the horizon at the one and only Three Legs pub on The Headrow. Superstar DJs Judge Jules and Paul Oakenfold are heading to “The Dump” for a New Year’s Eve party for the ages. Entry is limited, with those handing over jars of coffee, tubs of Lurpak, or packs of bacon fresh from the local Tesco’s shelves given preferential treatment.
The Three Legs is the last of an unholy trinity that once included The Vine and the legendary Big Lils. Leeds City Council continually refuses to revoke the pub’s license despite warnings from West Yorkshire Police over numerous and frequent violent incidents, including a stabbing earlier in 2024.
Owners Greene King have faced heavy criticism for sanctioning two of the world’s most famous DJs to play at the pub, which was once voted the worst in the UK on the busiest night of the social calendar. However, a brewery spokesperson said there is a method behind the madness.
“Although Greene King admits the Three Legs has a less than stellar reputation, it makes the company a shit-ton of money. Pints may only cost between £2.50-£3.50, but the profits soon add up when most patrons average 10-15 pints per session per day. Historically, Judge Jules and Paul Oakenfold are the best trance DJs the world has ever seen. Revellers at their gigs are known to consume dozens of ecstasy tablets, which are well-documented to promote a feeling of love and euphoria. On New Year’s Eve, The Three Legs will be a loved-up paradise and the scene to be seen in.”
A Pint and Two E’s Deal at The Three Legs
In a move not too dissimilar to scenes of the Channel 4 comedy series Shameless, The Three Legs plans a special offer while Jules and Oakenfold spin the decks. Known as the “Frank Gallagher Special,” those attending the trance spectacular can buy a pint and two ecstasy tablets for only £10. Cocaine, ketamine, diazepam, and other substances will likely be available from sellers in the toilets but not through official channels. Wear some waders if you plan some extracurricular purchases because you’ll probably be ankle-deep in piss.
The Yorkshire Tribune spoke to one female Three Legs patron, a former crack-addled prostitute with ideas of grandeur far above her station and a mouth like a burned-out fusebox. She said, “I’ve never worked a day in my life, so I won’t have to worry about getting up the next morning. The Frank Gallagher special will be great, but I’m worried all those mucky mans will try it on with me even more when they’re loved up. I’m clean, I don’t smell, everyone wants me. Oooh, mi grapes.”
While we’re not entirely sure what that was about, it appears the trance night will be popular with at least one reveller.
Why Are Judge Jules and Paul Oakenfold Playing at The Three Legs?
Judge Jules was once voted the world’s best DJ, an honour twice bestowed on Paul Oakenfold. Why, then, are two superstars swapping the glitz and glam of Ibiza for the sticky floors and graffiti-strewn shit hole that is the Three Legs?
“Why not?” Judge Jules replied. “I’ve played in some of the most iconic venues this planet has to offer, but none of them have the character and history of The Three Legs. I’ve spent countless hours creating one of my best-ever sets, and I can’t wait to see how it goes down on New Year’s Eve.”
Oakenfold is one of the best remixers in the industry, and he has been using his skills well in preparation for this groundbreaking event.
“Everyone knows I love a remix, so my set is packed with classics that the Three Legs clientele know and love. I’ve trance versions of Penny Arcade, Mr Brightside, and several Elvis songs, and I plan to finish with an epic rendition of Marching On Together.”
Save The Dates!
The Judge Jules and Paul Oakenfold trance “night” takes place on December 31, starting at 10:00 a.m. with some traditional karaoke and finishing around 02:00 a.m. on New Year’s Day. The first 100 entrants will get to enjoy a selection of canapes and a free shot of methadone, or two shots if you can prove you’ve ever seen an employer make National Insurance contributions.
