The government dropped a bombshell earlier this week when it confirmed the sale of single-use disposable vapes will be banned in England and Wales from June 2025. The announcement has left millions of vapers wondering how they will enjoy their nicotine fix. Imperial Tobacco has devised an ingenious plan to stop vapers’ rattling withdrawals.

From June 2025, doctors can prescribe Woodbines to former vapers. Described by one former “Woodies” smoker as being “like smoking a tar-covered dog shit,” Woodbines have been unavailable in the United Kingdom since 1988. The current prescription charge is £9.90 in the UK, significantly less than the £13.80 for a pack of school kids’ favourites, Lambert & Butler.

“Imperial Tobacco is delighted to come to the rescue of the millions of vapers affected by the upcoming disposable vapes ban. We plan to reintroduce our infamous ‘gaspers’ and a filtered version of our iconic cancer-inducing cigarettes,” an Imperial Tobacco told The Yorkshire Tribune.

Why is the Government Banning Disposable Vapes?

The government has legitimate reasons for banning disposable vapes. They include a dramatic increase in the number of children vaping and young adults regularly vaping despite having never regularly smoked previously. Scruffy twats slinging their empty vapes in the street haven’t helped either.

The Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs (Defra) estimates that almost five million disposable vapes were thrown into general waste or littered every week in 2023. Furthermore, its figures claim the vapes discarded in 2022 contained enough lithium, 40 tonnes, to power 5,000 electric cars.

“The truth is, people using disposable vapes are irresponsible,” said a Defra spokesperson. “Our figures show that these addictive little sticks cause about 700 fires yearly, costing over £150 million. The sheer amount of lithium waste borders on being criminal. We all know that electric vehicles are the biggest con this planet has ever seen, but that’s not the point.”

What are the Real Reasons Behind the Government Ban?

Although the government is using legitimate concerns and backing them up with startling figures, the real reason they are banning disposable vapes is because they are a bunch of spineless wankers.

If they were prepared to hand out severe punishments, they could stop unscrupulous shops from selling vapes to children. Instead of slapping shopkeepers on the wrist, they could close the shop down for three to six months. However, that would lower those shops’ corporation tax liability, and we can’t have that.

Additionally, they could place recycling bins in areas of heavy footfall so vapers can responsibly dispose of their empty vapes. Why not issue £500 fines for anyone throwing their empty vapes away in the street? They could educate people about the dangers lithium battery fires pose. They could, but they won’t.

The Yorkshire Tribune asked the Prime Minister why his Labour Government is banning disposable vapes rather than addressing the sources of the problems.

“I’m unsure if I’ve ever mentioned it, but my father was a toolmaker. Many of his friends smoked 20-40 cigarettes per day; there were no disposable vapes back then. We could hand out harsh penalties to those breaking the law and selling vapes to children, but we simply can’t be arsed. Furthermore, most of the high-up politicians have substantial stock holdings in Roche, Bristol-Myers Squibb, and Johnson & Johnson, the three largest oncology drug companies globally.”

What Will Happen Once the Vape Ban Comes Into Force?

What the government thinks will happen and what will actually happen are two entirely different things. The Starmer-led plebs wrongly believe everyone who currently uses disposable vapes will either transition to refillable or rechargeable devices, purchase Woodbines on prescription or quit the habit.

In reality, the ban will create a potentially dangerous disposable vapes black market. The stupid fucks in Westminster are not banning the importation of these throwaway devices. This opens the door for dodgy slave-driven Chinese firms to flood the market. Instead of Little Johnny blowing out puffs of candy-floss-flavoured vape, he’ll glow in the dark and grow an extra arm.

Refillable or rechargeable vapes are exempt from the ban. Vape companies will use this loophole to continue as normal. Currently, all vapes, disposable or otherwise, cannot contain more than 2ml of e-liquid. The vape I have at my side now contains four rotatable 2ml cartridges, for 8ml in total. Vape manufacturers will simply stick a charging port on their devices to skirt around the ban.

As is often the case, the government thinks it is clever when, in fact, it is quite the opposite. Still, there is good news about being able to obtain Woodbines on prescription from June 1, 2025. Let’s all go out and buy shares in Imperial Tobacco.