The United States of America’s President-elect, Donald Trump, has caused a significant stir in the British supermarket industry after news broke of him launching a takeover bid for Iceland Foods Limited. The Yorkshire Tribune understands the orange, septuagenarian sex pest has confused the frozen food chain with the Danish autonomous territory, Greenland.
Greenland has been home to an American radar base since the Cold War and is strategically important to the US. Trump mooted the idea of purchasing Greenland during his first term as president. At a recent news conference at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida, Trump stated he could not rule out using economic or military force to take over Greenland.
Mette Frederiksen, the Danish Prime Minister, responded by saying, “Greenland belongs to the Greenlanders,” while the Greenlandic Prime Minister, Mute Egede, is pushing for independence from Denmark.
Our sources told us the Wotsit-coloured, mouth-breather overlord was furious at being told no. The world already knows that Trump does what he wants, with dozens of women claiming he doesn’t take too kindly to being told no, especially not to his sexual advances.
Trump Launches Iceland Foods Limited Takeover Bid
On January 8, 2025, Richard Walker, Managing Director of Iceland Foods, revealed Trump had lodged an official bid for the company his father, Sir Malcolm Walker, founded in 1970.
“Iceland Foods Limited can confirm that Donald Trump has officially offered £2.48 billion for the company. While the bid has come out of the blue, it is sizable enough that we are privately discussing the matter with stakeholders. We will release no further comment at this time.”
Trump issued a statement via Karoline Leavitt, his press secretary, that reads:
“I used to love going to Jeffrey Epstein’s island and always dreamed of having my own Lolita paradise one day. Iceland is that island. Nobody will stop me from fulfilling my dreams. I have an army of Confederate flag-waving nutjobs in my corner. I’ll just tell them that the Mexicans, Chinese, Russians, or Jews are against me, and we’ll grab Iceland by the pussy and take what’s rightfully mine.”
This is a breaking story, and The Yorkshire Tribune will update you as soon as fresh information becomes available.
