Weather forecasters predict a heatwave will sweep the United Kingdom next week, sending the mercury soaring toward 30C. Thousands of Britons were likely planning to spend after work in pub beer gardens, soaking up the sun’s rays and cooling off with some alcoholic beverages. However, the government is about to scupper those plans.

The Yorkshire Tribune can reveal that Sir Keir Starmer is trying to rush through a bill that limits patrons to three drinks during the upcoming heatwave. The Prime Minister’s advisors have shown that tens of millions are lost from the economy each time there’s a heatwave through workers calling in sick after drinking too much booze. Limiting drinkers to three beverages should prevent this from happening.

“I’m unsure if you know, but my father was a toolmaker. As a manual worker, he enjoyed a couple of pints after work, a couple being the operative word,” explained Sir Starmer. “He never missed a day through illness or drink, and neither should you.”

You Won’t Be Boozing During the Heatwave

Local governments are sending letters to publicans and alcohol license holders instructing them to limit patrons to no more than three alcoholic drinks during the heatwave. The Yorkshire Tribune understands most publicans are seething with rage at the prospect of turning down paying customers.

Bobby Tuppa runs the Hairy Beaver in Castleford. Tuppa thinks limiting drinks during the latest heatwave will be the final nail in many pubs’ coffins.

“Hundreds of pubs close weekly because they’re struggling to make ends meet,” Tuppa explained. “We’re battling against huge energy costs, increased national insurance payments, and vastly lower footfall. Heatwaves bring out drinkers in droves, so we looked forward to welcoming dozens of customers to the Hairy Beaver. This new rule limiting drinks could be the death of our business.”

Landlords Look Into a Loophole

Innovative pub landlords in the region think they have devised a cunning plan to serve as many drinks to customers as they like during next week’s heatwave. Several landlords The Yorkshire Tribune spoke to plan to dust off their Carling pumps, which should enable them to circumnavigate Starmer’s prohibitive drinking law.

Carling is essentially piss water, so publicans believe it does not constitute an alcoholic beverage. Therefore, revellers can drink as much Carling as they wish without fear of breaking the law.

“Under normal circumstances, nobody in their right mind would purposely buy a pint of Carling,” said Graham Baxter of CAMRA. “However, desperate times call for desperate measures. While my fellow CAMRA members primarily use Carling to put out our barbecues, we are willing to force a few pints down if it means sticking it to the government.”