The government’s Department for Transport has given police and members of the public new powers to combat lazy motorists and make the country’s roads safer. Inconsiderate motorists who break new regulations face public flogging and punches to the face.
The recent cold snap has exacerbated some drivers’ laziness and selfishness, so the Department for Transport has acted quickly to nip this behaviour in the bud. Those who refuse to thoroughly scrape ice from their car windows or fail to remove the few inches of snow from their roofs can be flogged in public.
Anyone not using their indicators before making a turn can be punched once in the mouth. The new guidelines state anyone driving at night without their headlight illuminated will be poked in the eye with a shitty stick.
Department for Transport Explains New Road Rules
A spokesperson for the Department of Transport informed The Yorkshire Tribune about the new punishments for road users.
“We are sure that most people agree that anyone too lazy to remove ice and snow from their vehicle fully deserves a public flogging. This is especially true for those mouth-breathers who make a porthole-sized gap on their windscreen; don’t get us started about people who leave snow on their car roofs.”
“There is a direct correlation between those who do not use their indicators and how much of a twat that person is. Allowing the public and police to punch offenders in the kisser should halt this behaviour. Lastly, we are allowing people to poke people in the eye with a shitty stick if they see someone driving with no lights on at night. How is that even possible? We recommend dog mess because it will get turds off the street while getting turds off the road; it’s a win-win scenario.”
Leeds Motorists Have Their Say
The Department for Transport’s new rules and regulations have split opinion on Leeds’ roads. The Yorkshire Tribune‘s traffic and travel correspondent, Wanda Lust, discovered that most Loiners are happy to punish bellend drivers.
“I often drive during the early hours or late at night and must see three or four cars without lights on despite being pitch black outside. I can’t wait to do some eye-poking once these new rules come into effect,” said Dale Walker.
However, not everyone shares Mr. Walker’s point of view. Kelvin Feltersnatch is a BMW driver from the Shadwell area of the city. He believes the Department of Transport’s rules discriminate against him and other “Beemer” drivers.
“It’s total bullshit,” an angry Mr. Feltersnatch said. “I don’t know of a single BMW that comes with indicators as standard, so being able to punch us in the mouth for not indicating is unfair. We pay £30,000 to £50,000 for our cars, so we shouldn’t have to indicate even if we had them on our motors. Audi drivers are in the same boat. These rules cannot be made concrete; they are unfair and unjust.”
Whatever Next From the Government and Councils?
The Department for Transport’s new rules are another sign that Two-Tier Keir’s government is handing power to the British public or, at least, distancing itself from responsibility. They recently announced plans for Hollywood-inspired purge nights, while Leeds City Council is putting the finishing touches to a confusing rotating one-way system in the city centre.
Get your shitty sticks ready for May 4, 2025, when the new road rules should come into force.
