The complete numpties who donated £32,000 worth of clothes to Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer will soon be able to dress like him after the PM announced he is launching a fashion brand.
“Toolmaker,” according to Sir Starmer’s press release, is a brand that has working-class roots but, at the same time, is prohibitively expensive. All items are treated with state-of-the-art water repellent so wearers can easily wipe away the bullshit they likely continually spout while protecting them from vomit splashes from baying crowds.
“My father was a toolmaker,” Sir Starmer said for the three millionth time in his life, “So this clothing range is for him. Everyone knows I am working class despite having a net worth north of £3 million, having earned over £500,000 last year, not having to pay rent or utility bills, and having saps throwing gifts at me left, right, and center. I hope the Toolmaker fashion brand will resonate with my supporters. “Did I tell you that my father was a toolmaker?”
Sir Keir Starmer’s Rise to Power
Sir Keir Starmer led the Labour Party to a landslide victory at the last general election, ending the Conservatives’ 14-year reign of terror at 10 Downing Street. The problem is people voted for Labour because they wanted the Tories gone, not because they believed in Sir Starmer’s party. Choosing between Labour and the Tories was akin to deciding whether you wanted Aids or Ebola; neither is particularly pleasant.
The Labour of old prided itself on being the political party of the everyday man, with the well-being of the working class front and centre of its policies. Sir Starmer’s Labour is gambling that the United Kingdom has a mild winter; otherwise, thousands of pensioners could freeze to death after Labour axed the winter fuel payments for all but the poorest pensioners.
“Those pensioners won’t freeze,” claimed Sir Starmer, “My father was a toolmaker, so we never had much money growing up because my toolmaker father’s salary didn’t amount to much. We were OK; look at me now.”
The Prime Minister suggested the soon-to-be-dead pensioners could spend the little money they have on some of the items from his Toolmaker clothing range.
“My new Toolmaker range has scarves, gloves, and blankets designed to keep even the most peasant-like scrubs warm this winter. I’ve had a couple of grand worth of winter woollies donated, so Toolmaker will run a sale when we officially launch on November 1. Those struggling to make ends meet can purchase a scarf for £79.99, a pair of gloves for £49.99, or a blanket for £129.99. Don’t have the cash? No problem, Toolmaker accepts all major credit cards, Klarna, or we can remove the funds directly from your hard-earned pension or your benefits.”
